Moving from Personal to Public

The first three habits were based on things to improve your personal effectiveness. The next three habits focus on how to be effective in the context of your relations to people around you. In the book there is a chapter in between habit 3 and 4 called, "Public Victory: Paradigms of Interdependence". This entry is based on that chapter.

Private victory precedes public victory. You can't have the fruits without the roots. It is important to understand and grasp habits 1-3 before moving onto 4-6.

The author then goes on to explain a concept called the emotional bank account. Like a financial bank account, the emotional bank account receives deposits and gives withdrawals. Each person you interact with has a different account with your name on it. But instead of money, you deposit things like time, courtesy, kindness, honesty, etc. You withdraw by doing opposite things like breaking promises, lying, being rude, etc. In order to have good, effective relationships you need to have a good balance built up with that person in order to have their trust. The higher the account balance, the higher the trust.

Six Major Deposits

There are various different types of deposits, so I will outline six deposits the author mentions as important.

1. Understanding the Individual
Seeking to understand someone is one of the greatest deposits you can make. If you don't understand the person, you may not understand what for that person constitutes a deposit. You may appreciate something that may be annoying to them, and while you think you are making a deposit, you are actually making a withdrawal.

2. Attending to the Little Things
Little courtesies and kindnesses are so important. Small discourtesies , little unkindnesses, little forms of disrespect make large withdrawals. In relationships, the little things are the big things

3. Keeping Commitments
Keeping a commitment or a promise is a major deposit; breaking one is a major withdrawal. If you break a promise, the next time you make one, people won't believe it. But if you keep them on a regular basis you build trust which spills over into all areas of your relationship.

4. Clarifying Expectations
It is important at the beginning of any task to clarify the expectations. People will judge based on what they perceive as the expectation. We create negative situations by assuming because we are thinking one thing, and the other person is thinking another, and then both parties are disappointed when their expectations weren't met.

5. Showing Personal Integrity
Integrity includes, but goes beyond honesty. Honesty is telling the truth - confirming our words to reality. Integrity is conforming reality to our words. In other words, keeping promises and fulfilling expectations.
It is also being loyal to those who are not present. By doing so, you show the person you are with that when they are not present, you will also be loyal to them.

6. Apologizing Sincerely When You Make a Withdrawal
When we make withdrawals from the emotional bank account we need to apologize and do it sincerely. We also need to commit to not making that same withdrawal again, or else the apology seems insincere, and therefore becomes another withdrawal.

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One final point I got from this chapter is this: Relationship problems are opportunities to be relationship builders. When you have a problem with someone, you can choose to keep it this way by not confronting it, or your making a solution yourself while not including the other person. Conversely, you can choose to attempt to fix the problem by looking for a mutually beneficial solution to the problem, which in the end fixes the problem and also builds into the relationship.