Habit 4 - Think Win/Win

The first thing we learn from this chapter is that there are 6 paradigms of human interaction:

1. Win/Win
2. Win/Lose
3. Lose/Win
4. Lose/Lose
5. Win
6. Win/Win or No Deal

Win/Win

Win/Win is the frame of mind that constantly seeks mutual benefit in all interactions. With a Win/win solution, both parties feel good about the decision and committed to the plan. Win/Win is based on the paradigm that there is plenty for everybody, and that one's success does not depend on another's failure.

Win/Lose

Win/Lose is based on the fact that for me to win, others must lose or be less than me. Most people have been deeply scripted in this mentality. We think that our parents love us more or less than our siblings based on what we do. It is not who were are that shows value, but what we do.

Lose/Win

"I lose, you win", "Go ahead, have your way with me", "Step on me again, everybody else does", "I'm a peacemaker. I'll do anything to keep the peace." People who think Lose/Win are quick to please and often get stepped on. They are intimidated by Win/Lose people and let others have their way in order to be excepted. Both Win/Lose and Lose/Win are weak positions, based in personal insecurities.

Lose/Lose

When 2 Win/Lose people get together, the most common result is Lose/Lose. When one wins, the other wants to get back at them, and it generally spirals downward until both lose. Someone who cares more about hurting someone else than their own good ends up in a Lose/Lose situation. They may cause damage to the other person, but they have lost something in the process.

Win

A person who doesn't care about what happens to others, but seeks the best for themselves. Generally in the context of no competition.

Win/Win or No Deal

Higher than Win/Win, Win/Win or No Deal means that if we can't find a solution that benefits us both we will not force a solution. When you have No Deal as an option in your mind, you feel liberated because you don't need to force your solution on someone, you can be open. If you can't reach a Win/Win agreement, it is better to settle for No Deal than risk souring the relationship with one of the other options.

The author goes onto explain that there are 5 dimentions of Win/Win. It begins with character, and moves towards relationships, out of which flow agreements. Then it is nurtured in an environment were structures and systems are based on Win/Win. Then finally in involves process.

1. Character

Character is the foundation of Win/Win, and everything else builds on that foundation. There are 3 character traits essential in a Win/Win paradigm.

Integrity: This is the value we place on ourselves. We need to know ourselves, and truly understand what constitutes a win for ourselves

Maturity: This is the balance between courage and consideration. It is the ability to express one's own feelings and convictions balanced with consideration for the thoughts and feelings of others. If I am high on courage but low on consideration, I will think Win/Lose, and try to dominated my opinions on others. If I am low on courage, but high on consideration, I will think Lose/Win, and let others steamroll over what I believe. Therefore high courage and high consideration are essential to Win/Win (See diagram below).

Abundance Mentality: This is the paradigm that there is plenty out there for everyone. Many people are scripted with the Scarcity Mentality, that if someone else earns a piece of the pie, there is less pie out there for me. The Abundance mentality, on the other hand, flows out of a deep inner sense of personal worth and security. Even if someone else does well, I can still contribute and excel.

2. Relationships

Relationships are key in the Win/Win paradigm as you need to have built up the "emotional bank account" in order to have a fruitful Win/Win relationship. Win/Win agreements are rarely easy to establish, and the less of a relationship you have with the other party involved, the harder it is to reach the agreement. All in all, where there is no solid relationship, there is little chance of a win/win agreement.

3. Agreements

In the Win/Win agreement, the following 5 elements are key:

1. Desired Results need to be identified and given a timeline
2. Guidelines as to the parameters within which the results are to be accomplished
3. Resources identify the human, financial, technical or organizational support available to help accomplish the results
4. Accountability sets up standards or performance
5. Consequences specify- good and bad - what does and will happen as a result of the evaluation

Both parties need to be clear on each of the 5 elements and agree to follow them in order to achieve success in the agreement. An agreement such as this takes the focus off the methods and onto the results. It gives the parties involved freedom to complete the task as they see fit, as long as they can achieve the goals of the agreement.

4. Systems

Win/Win can only survive within a framework that supports and encourages it. If you talk about Win/Win, but reward Win/Lose, you have a losing program on your hands. The spirit of Win/Win cannot survive in an environment or competition and contests. The problem is generally in the system, not the people. If you have good people in bad systems, you get bad results.

5. Processes

4 Step Process:

1. See the problem from the other point of view. Seek to understand where the other person is coming from and what they are trying to achieve.
2. Identify the key issues and concerns involved
3. Determine what results wound constitute a fully acceptable solution
4. Identify possible new options to achieve those results

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And so ends Habit 4. I realize that this habit seems to focus on business relationships, but I think that these basic principles will help in all human interactions, including family and friends. What do you think?